Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
