haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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