somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
