Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
