I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
