if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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