Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
