just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
