Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
