her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...