Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
