I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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