K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
