Are we in a gay sports bar?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just had sex on a roof
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
