There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
