At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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