Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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