I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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