i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my shit smells like andre
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
