I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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