Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
