I cannot find my penis.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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