nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
