sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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