Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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