Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
