Pappa wants mamma naked
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
