1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
