He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
