i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
