Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
