At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
