he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
