I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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