Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i dont even know how to be here
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
