No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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