I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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