pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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