matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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