Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
