You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
