my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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