every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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