He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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