her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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