i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize