And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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