: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
