I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
