i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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