dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
