My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
