Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS