Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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