Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
