I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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