Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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