Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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